Say goodbye to waterbras -- and hello to hair stuffing!

Are you humiliated by your natural flatness? Would you consider plastic enhancements to increase your sex appeal? Is your child's appearance just not "flirty" enough? Are you from Baltimore?

Then, my friends, Bump Its (Bum Pits?) are the answer for you.



Bum pits are basically the falsie of the hair world. You hide them in your ratty nest of a mane and voila! You no longer have to shout at your hair. Like this poor lady.



As you may have noticed, at about 37 seconds into the infomercial they call this child, modeling the Bum Pit, "flirty."

... Since we're friends here, I can openly admit that as a child I was a princessaholic. Every Halloween, every birthday party, and heck, usually every other day, I was rocking a princess costume. Thanks to this life experience and expertise, I can assure you that while I wanted very desperately to appear regal, glamorous and elegant -- if someone called me "flirty," or suggested I stuff something into my princess costume (and please note that a tiara is a crucial part of a princess costume) that would make it appear more "flirty," I would have alerted the authorities.

Stats: $19.99 + S&H for two large, two mini bang, and one "hollywood" Bum Pits.
Bum Pits volumizing inserts stay firmly in your hair. No matter what style you are bumpin'!

Pros: Can give you that extra "umph" when teasing just isn't enough. No, seriously, the first step to using Bum Pits is to tease your hair. Imagine if first step to use the slap chop was to chop your food with a normal knife.

Cons: People may mistake you for that alien from Mars Attacks.


Verdict: No thanks, hon.

Slap Chop. Vince redux.

The return of Vince, formerly of ShamWow, has been triumphant. This is probably the somethingest infomercial I've ever seen. I've yet to figure out what that something is, so instead of yabbering about it, I'm just going to ask you to watch it.



Now that you've watched this masterpiece, I want you to keep in mind someone wrote these lines down for Vince to read:

You're going to be in a great mood all day because you're going to be slapping your troubles away.

Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life.

This is making you cry, this is making me cry. Life's hard enough as it is, you don't want to cry any more.

We're going to make America skinny again, one slap at a time.

Tacos. Frettucine. Linguine. Martini. Bikini.

Stats: Only $19.95 + S&H
You can mince onion with the skin on.
www.slapchop.com

Pros: Cleans with the ease of a Monarch in spring.


Cons: Vince is selling it.



Verdict: Buy for the free Graty.

Loud 'N Clear: Nobody likes you.

You know how when you see someone with a cellphone earpiece on all day as they go about their banal activities you think to yourself "Wow -- that person is important and efficient"?

No? You don't think that? You think they are no-goodniks?

See, what's interesting here is that the company that made the commercial for the Loud 'N Clear knows that, but the manufacturer clearly does not. Despite the manufacturer's claim that the Loud 'N Clear turns ordinary hearing into extraordinary hearing, please note the woman who shows up throughout the spot with the "I'm on to you, sisterfriend" look on her face.



Did you catch her? Here she is:


And again:
She gives me the willies.

Stats: Only $14.99
The Loud 'N Clear listening device is cleverly designed to look like an expensive cell phone ear piece.
www.getloudandclear.com

Pros: You can hear the pretty lady across the room at a party say "Isn't he cute? He just moved into the building."


Cons: You see the pretty lady's face turn to this expression when she notices your creepy earpiece.

Verdict: Do not buy. Unless you have neighbors like the ones in Lifetime, Wow!'s most recent review of The House Next Door. If so, buy this asap, and alienate the heck out of your hellneighbors.