Sunday, January 18, 2009

Sisterhood of the travelling Kymaro Curve Control Jeans

This is another product that aggravatingly does not have an embeddable commercial. Probably because it would blow too many people's faces off with it's amazingness. You must stop you are doing and watch the commercial for the Kymaro Curve Control Jeans now. The long version.

You're welcome.

Real talk: We all own Spanx, or some knockoff, right? Well, here's your chance to cut out the middlegirdle, and go for the gold: pants that ARE a girdle. Think of it as denim sausage casing. Heinously ugly, poorly hemmed, denim sausage casing.

An actual line from the commercial: "It's not your fault you can't fit into those tight, restricting jeans. It's the jean's fault!"

No. It's is objectively your fault. You either ate/reclined yourself to another size and your old pants don't fit -- or you just flat-out purposefully purchased jeans that don't fit! IT IS YOUR FAULT.

Also suspicious -- this lady is clearly in a resale/thrift store, but she's complaining about the price of designer jeans. See how each item is completely different than the one next to it? How the tags are huge and not uniform in placement? Thrift store. Two hundred to 300 dollar jeans have never crossed the threshold of that place.

As someone who worked in retail for a several years, I can assure you that these ladies do not suffer from some debilitating condition that is unsolvable by anything but television jeans, and therefore do not deserve your pity. They need jeans with more stretch, a bigger size and a rise that's so high it covers their belly buttons. Go to the Levi's store. Do not buy your pants from your television.

Stats: $39.95 + S&H for one pair
Comes with a free bottom shaper.
Can help ladies out who are so mad that they make this face at their current jeans:

Pros: Supposedly can cure what I've christened "Flat Butt Syndrome."

Cons: How are you going to turn heads at the bar without your trusty "rear end cleavage?"

Verdict: Do not buy. I repeat: Do not buy your pants from your television.

Top 10 grossest things about the Ped Egg™

I had to pare it down to 10 from 857348573405734503480594705730.

10. The line "Don't use potato peeler tools!"

9. The implication someone has been using potato peeler tools on their dried out foot skin.

8. This:

7. The sheer volume of shavings this lady has produced.

6. Pouring foot scrapings anywhere but in a waste receptacle.

5. Wildly spraying foot scrapings around someone's home or studio.

4. The group shaving session.

3. The foot close-up of the group shaving session.

2. Any image that accompanies the word "before."

1. I own a Ped Egg, and my significant other, Rusty, has challenged me to a scrape-off.*

Stats: $10 + S&H for two Ped Eggs™.
Gently removes callouses and dead skin to give your feet the incredible baby soft look and feel that everybody loves.
Bonus feature: you can scrape callouses off of balloons.

Pros: You can scrape off your shameful, shameful protective foot skin in private.

Cons: Doesn't do anything a Graty can't do.

Verdict: Buy.

* I did not accept.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Slap Chop. Vince redux.

The return of Vince, formerly of ShamWow, has been triumphant. This is probably the somethingest infomercial I've ever seen. I've yet to figure out what that something is, so instead of yabbering about it, I'm just going to ask you to watch it.

Now that you've watched this masterpiece, I want you to keep in mind someone wrote these lines down for Vince to read:
You're going to be in a great mood all day because you're going to be slapping your troubles away.

Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life.

This is making you cry, this is making me cry. Life's hard enough as it is, you don't want to cry any more.

We're going to make America skinny again, one slap at a time.

Tacos. Frettucine. Linguine. Martini. Bikini.

Stats: Only $19.95 + S&H
You can mince onion with the skin on.

Cleans with the ease of a Monarch in spring.

Cons: Vince is selling it.

Buy for the free Graty.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

Loud 'N Clear: Nobody likes you.

You know how when you see someone with a cellphone earpiece on all day as they go about their banal activities you think to yourself "Wow -- that person is important and efficient"?

No? You don't think that? You think they are no-goodniks?

See, what's interesting here is that the company that made the commercial for the Loud 'N Clear knows that, but the manufacturer clearly does not. Despite the manufacturer's claim that the Loud 'N Clear turns ordinary hearing into extraordinary hearing, please note the woman who shows up throughout the spot with the "I'm on to you, sisterfriend" look on her face.

Did you catch her? Here she is:

And again:
She gives me the willies.

Stats: Only $14.99
The Loud 'N Clear listening device is cleverly designed to look like an expensive cell phone ear piece.

Pros: You can hear the pretty lady across the room at a party say "Isn't he cute? He just moved into the building."

Cons: You see the pretty lady's face turn to this expression when she notices your creepy earpiece.

Verdict: Do not buy. Unless you have neighbors like the ones in Lifetime, Wow!'s most recent review of The House Next Door. If so, buy this asap, and alienate the heck out of your hellneighbors.

Might Mend It: The pants glue of champions

Might Mend It delights me to no end. Here's why:

1. It's pants glue.
2. You can use it to bedazzle your hat with your, or someone else's, dumb name.
3. Billy Mays sells it.

I submit for the approval of the three easy payments society: Mighty Mend It

Stats: Only $19.99
It is not a glue, but a flexible bonding agent.

Pros: Finally scientists have developed a groundbreaking serum that can contain your bulbous caboose, even when your pants can't.

Cons: Know who else uses Mighty Mend It? Yeah. Her.