Say goodbye to waterbras -- and hello to hair stuffing!

Are you humiliated by your natural flatness? Would you consider plastic enhancements to increase your sex appeal? Is your child's appearance just not "flirty" enough? Are you from Baltimore?

Then, my friends, Bump Its (Bum Pits?) are the answer for you.



Bum pits are basically the falsie of the hair world. You hide them in your ratty nest of a mane and voila! You no longer have to shout at your hair. Like this poor lady.



As you may have noticed, at about 37 seconds into the infomercial they call this child, modeling the Bum Pit, "flirty."

... Since we're friends here, I can openly admit that as a child I was a princessaholic. Every Halloween, every birthday party, and heck, usually every other day, I was rocking a princess costume. Thanks to this life experience and expertise, I can assure you that while I wanted very desperately to appear regal, glamorous and elegant -- if someone called me "flirty," or suggested I stuff something into my princess costume (and please note that a tiara is a crucial part of a princess costume) that would make it appear more "flirty," I would have alerted the authorities.

Stats: $19.99 + S&H for two large, two mini bang, and one "hollywood" Bum Pits.
Bum Pits volumizing inserts stay firmly in your hair. No matter what style you are bumpin'!

Pros: Can give you that extra "umph" when teasing just isn't enough. No, seriously, the first step to using Bum Pits is to tease your hair. Imagine if first step to use the slap chop was to chop your food with a normal knife.

Cons: People may mistake you for that alien from Mars Attacks.


Verdict: No thanks, hon.

Sisterhood of the travelling Kymaro Curve Control Jeans

This is another product that aggravatingly does not have an embeddable commercial. Probably because it would blow too many people's faces off with it's amazingness. You must stop you are doing and watch the commercial for the Kymaro Curve Control Jeans now. The long version.

You're welcome.

Real talk: We all own Spanx, or some knockoff, right? Well, here's your chance to cut out the middlegirdle, and go for the gold: pants that ARE a girdle. Think of it as denim sausage casing. Heinously ugly, poorly hemmed, denim sausage casing.

An actual line from the commercial: "It's not your fault you can't fit into those tight, restricting jeans. It's the jean's fault!"

No. It's is objectively your fault. You either ate/reclined yourself to another size and your old pants don't fit -- or you just flat-out purposefully purchased jeans that don't fit! IT IS YOUR FAULT.

Also suspicious -- this lady is clearly in a resale/thrift store, but she's complaining about the price of designer jeans. See how each item is completely different than the one next to it? How the tags are huge and not uniform in placement? Thrift store. Two hundred to 300 dollar jeans have never crossed the threshold of that place.


As someone who worked in retail for a several years, I can assure you that these ladies do not suffer from some debilitating condition that is unsolvable by anything but television jeans, and therefore do not deserve your pity. They need jeans with more stretch, a bigger size and a rise that's so high it covers their belly buttons. Go to the Levi's store. Do not buy your pants from your television.

Stats: $39.95 + S&H for one pair
Comes with a free bottom shaper.
Can help ladies out who are so mad that they make this face at their current jeans:


Pros: Supposedly can cure what I've christened "Flat Butt Syndrome."



Cons: How are you going to turn heads at the bar without your trusty "rear end cleavage?"



Verdict: Do not buy. I repeat: Do not buy your pants from your television.

Loud 'N Clear: Nobody likes you.

You know how when you see someone with a cellphone earpiece on all day as they go about their banal activities you think to yourself "Wow -- that person is important and efficient"?

No? You don't think that? You think they are no-goodniks?

See, what's interesting here is that the company that made the commercial for the Loud 'N Clear knows that, but the manufacturer clearly does not. Despite the manufacturer's claim that the Loud 'N Clear turns ordinary hearing into extraordinary hearing, please note the woman who shows up throughout the spot with the "I'm on to you, sisterfriend" look on her face.



Did you catch her? Here she is:


And again:
She gives me the willies.

Stats: Only $14.99
The Loud 'N Clear listening device is cleverly designed to look like an expensive cell phone ear piece.
www.getloudandclear.com

Pros: You can hear the pretty lady across the room at a party say "Isn't he cute? He just moved into the building."


Cons: You see the pretty lady's face turn to this expression when she notices your creepy earpiece.

Verdict: Do not buy. Unless you have neighbors like the ones in Lifetime, Wow!'s most recent review of The House Next Door. If so, buy this asap, and alienate the heck out of your hellneighbors.

Vince with ShamWow creeps me out.

Really. Wouldn't he be better suited selling tapes of breast-enhancing exercises or psychic readings? Why does he have to be the face (ugh -- and the voice) of these weird towels I kind of want?



Stats: $14.99 for 4 large and 4 mini ShamWows
Holds up to 20 times its weight in liquid
https://www.shamwow.com/

Also -- made in Germany. A point that Vince highlights in the spot, and that YouTube commenters Raindogs111 and prothonotar helpfully analyze for us.

Raindogs111 (3 months ago)

You know what else was made in Germany?
Hitler.

prothonotar (3 months ago)

Actually Hitler was made in Austria.

Pros: The absorbency is pretty mesmerizing.

Cons: Vince is lying to you. a) No family unit in the history of time has ever spent $20/month on paper towels. If I am somehow wrong, and your family is, you should just invest in a wetvac. b) Listen closely at 1:25 into the infomercial. Vince is supposedly saying "this lasts ten years," in reference to the ShamWow -- but it's not actually Vince. He is holding a ShamWow in front of his mouth, and the his voice has been DUBBED! What secrets are hidden behind that sopping ShamWow's facade?

Verdict: Do not buy.

"So the other day, I was trying to get a bunch of cola out of my pie pan -- and my normal towel just wasn't cutting it, you know?" - No one, ever.

Aquaglobes

The best part of this whole thing is how miserable and frustrated the woman looks when she just can't manage to water her darn plants properly. The complex and constant care that these florae demand are why ugly houseplants are considered the divas of the plant world.



Stats: Set of four for $14.95
Hand-blown
https://www.buyaquaglobes.com/

Pros: Hilarious, cheap.

Cons: Ugly as sin, look like drug paraphernalia, watering plants is not actually that difficult, and it probably wouldn't work correctly.

Verdict: Do not buy. They'd probably accidentally ship it to your parents house and get you busted anyways.