Slap Chop. Vince redux.

The return of Vince, formerly of ShamWow, has been triumphant. This is probably the somethingest infomercial I've ever seen. I've yet to figure out what that something is, so instead of yabbering about it, I'm just going to ask you to watch it.



Now that you've watched this masterpiece, I want you to keep in mind someone wrote these lines down for Vince to read:

You're going to be in a great mood all day because you're going to be slapping your troubles away.

Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life.

This is making you cry, this is making me cry. Life's hard enough as it is, you don't want to cry any more.

We're going to make America skinny again, one slap at a time.

Tacos. Frettucine. Linguine. Martini. Bikini.

Stats: Only $19.95 + S&H
You can mince onion with the skin on.
www.slapchop.com

Pros: Cleans with the ease of a Monarch in spring.


Cons: Vince is selling it.



Verdict: Buy for the free Graty.

Vince with ShamWow creeps me out.

Really. Wouldn't he be better suited selling tapes of breast-enhancing exercises or psychic readings? Why does he have to be the face (ugh -- and the voice) of these weird towels I kind of want?



Stats: $14.99 for 4 large and 4 mini ShamWows
Holds up to 20 times its weight in liquid
https://www.shamwow.com/

Also -- made in Germany. A point that Vince highlights in the spot, and that YouTube commenters Raindogs111 and prothonotar helpfully analyze for us.

Raindogs111 (3 months ago)

You know what else was made in Germany?
Hitler.

prothonotar (3 months ago)

Actually Hitler was made in Austria.

Pros: The absorbency is pretty mesmerizing.

Cons: Vince is lying to you. a) No family unit in the history of time has ever spent $20/month on paper towels. If I am somehow wrong, and your family is, you should just invest in a wetvac. b) Listen closely at 1:25 into the infomercial. Vince is supposedly saying "this lasts ten years," in reference to the ShamWow -- but it's not actually Vince. He is holding a ShamWow in front of his mouth, and the his voice has been DUBBED! What secrets are hidden behind that sopping ShamWow's facade?

Verdict: Do not buy.

"So the other day, I was trying to get a bunch of cola out of my pie pan -- and my normal towel just wasn't cutting it, you know?" - No one, ever.