Cash4Gold -- endorsed by moms everywhere.

Cash4Gold's commercials are a little out of the usual purview of Three Easy Payments. You see, instead of tricking you into making three easy payments, they want to make one presumably complex, and likely nonexistent payment to you.

The gist of the scam is that you send them your old crappy gold jewelery (I'm looking at you, holiday brooch), they melt it down, and mail you a check for the value of the gold. How do I know it's a scam, you say?

This is how: the Cash4Gold guy was so hard up for people to endorse it, he had to use HIS OWN MOTHER in the commercial.

Exhibit A - Cash4Gold guy


Exhibit B - A woman who is clearly his mom. Or the Cash4Gold guy in an old lady suit.



Look at the schnoz. Look at the lips. Look at the eyes and the expression and the X chromosome. Look at how badly they both want you to use Cash4Gold.



Stats: Free ninety nine. Supposedly you even get money back.
They accept the gold, platinum, and silver jewelry.
www.Cash4Gold.com

Pros: Way to get rid of hellbrooch.

Cons: Scam.

Verdict: Buy! Er... send! But only if you won't be mad if all you get in return is a heap of shame for being taken by a snakeoil salesman and his mom.

Eco Balls -- the laundry detergent of the future?

Eco Balls apparently wash your clothes. There's a nutzy commercial that unfortunately isn't available to embed here -- check it out here: www.EcoWasherBalls.com

Here's a screenshot of the product.


Is it just me, or do these look exactly like Dippin' Dots, Ice Cream of the Future™?

Stats: $19.95 plus S&H
Residue-free! (what does this even mean?)
www.EcoWasherBalls.com

Pros: Looks like Ice Cream of the Future™.

Cons: I found these in the frequently asked questions section of the Eco Balls Web site. These are questions you would frequently ask if you owned Eco Balls.

Q. Why aren’t my Ecoballs™ working?

Q. My Ecoballs™ have started to smell strange and so are my clothes and washing machine.

Q. Can I use the grey water to water my garden?*

* No where else on the site or the commercial does anyone or anything mention "grey water."

Verdict: Buy! Even the mere possibility of being able to use the grey water to water my garden makes this a must-have.

A PIZZA FLIPPER?!?!?!?!?!?

The NuWave Infrared Oven cooks stuff super fast blah blah three ways blah 85% blah. What I want to direct your attention to is the outrageous free gift they're trying to pawn off on you. Watch the infomercial and see if you can spot it.

Did you catch it? That's right, folks. A pizza flipper.


WHAT?!?!?! I cannot interrobang this enough.

1. Why in the name of Sam Hill would anyone ever need to flip a pizza?
2. How DARE they try to pass off a pizza flipper as gift worth $15. How dare they.

This is like giving a taco mallet away with each purchase of an Aquaglobe.

Stats: Three payments of $39.99 plus S&H
Comes with a motherloving pizza flipper.
https://www.nuwaveoven.com/

Pros: You can tell me what it's like to own the most confabulating kitchen device in human history.

Cons: Payments are not specified as "easy" -- beware presumably difficult bartering system.

Verdict: Dupe a colleague or associate into buying one so you can confuse them by asking to borrow their pizza flipper.

Vince with ShamWow creeps me out.

Really. Wouldn't he be better suited selling tapes of breast-enhancing exercises or psychic readings? Why does he have to be the face (ugh -- and the voice) of these weird towels I kind of want?



Stats: $14.99 for 4 large and 4 mini ShamWows
Holds up to 20 times its weight in liquid
https://www.shamwow.com/

Also -- made in Germany. A point that Vince highlights in the spot, and that YouTube commenters Raindogs111 and prothonotar helpfully analyze for us.

Raindogs111 (3 months ago)

You know what else was made in Germany?
Hitler.

prothonotar (3 months ago)

Actually Hitler was made in Austria.

Pros: The absorbency is pretty mesmerizing.

Cons: Vince is lying to you. a) No family unit in the history of time has ever spent $20/month on paper towels. If I am somehow wrong, and your family is, you should just invest in a wetvac. b) Listen closely at 1:25 into the infomercial. Vince is supposedly saying "this lasts ten years," in reference to the ShamWow -- but it's not actually Vince. He is holding a ShamWow in front of his mouth, and the his voice has been DUBBED! What secrets are hidden behind that sopping ShamWow's facade?

Verdict: Do not buy.

"So the other day, I was trying to get a bunch of cola out of my pie pan -- and my normal towel just wasn't cutting it, you know?" - No one, ever.

Aquaglobes

The best part of this whole thing is how miserable and frustrated the woman looks when she just can't manage to water her darn plants properly. The complex and constant care that these florae demand are why ugly houseplants are considered the divas of the plant world.



Stats: Set of four for $14.95
Hand-blown
https://www.buyaquaglobes.com/

Pros: Hilarious, cheap.

Cons: Ugly as sin, look like drug paraphernalia, watering plants is not actually that difficult, and it probably wouldn't work correctly.

Verdict: Do not buy. They'd probably accidentally ship it to your parents house and get you busted anyways.

Snuggie v. Slanket: The eternal struggle

Snuggie v. Slanket: What to wear when a poncho is too formal?

Summary:

Both the Snuggie and Slanket are blankets with sleeves in them. They both are "one size fits all" and are designed for the lazy and cold among us.

The similarities end there.

Contenders:

In this corner, we have The Snuggie. Ringing in at only $14.95, this bad boy also comes with a automatic pop-up reading light -- for when you want to read, but you can't bring yourself to manually adjust a light.

The Snuggie hits below the belt when the infomercial cold-heartedly reminds us, "blankets are ok... But they can slip or slide! And when you need to reach for something, your hands are trapped inside."



Strengths: Cheap, comes with a light, makes you look most monk-y.
Weaknesses: May have crappy fabric, lame name, not famous -- yet.

And in this corner, we have The Slanket. Despite demanding a hefty price of $44.95, they must be doing something right -- all colors of Slankets are currently sold out at TheSlanket.com. Here's a rundown on the Slanket from Forbes:



Strengths: Outstanding product name.
Weaknesses: Three times more expensive than the Snuggie, sold out, would force you to read in darkness.

Also -- I'd like to note that the founder seems to have only come up with the idea to cut a hole in a blanket for ease of channel changing. His mom made the prototype, someone else came up with the name, and his brother financed the venture. At worst, this man is a leech, and at best he is a compulsive channel changer -- and for that, I cannot forgive him.

Verdict: LONG LIVE THE SNUGGIE.

Make a little mess, don't know what to do, put it on your foot, now -- mop shoe!

For the record, I actually own mop shoes. Not these fancy guys with velcro and mind-blowing durability, but a-size-too-small $8 Linens n' Things mop slippers.

I worked out a deal with my boyfriend where he does the dishes, and I'll wear my mop shoes. By "deal" I mean I announced it, and ignored him when he screamed "WEARING THOSE MOP SHOES DOES NOT CONSTITUTE COMPLETING A CHORE."



Stats:

$29.95 plus S&H for two mop shoes.
3-6 weeks for delivery
To order, call 1-800-490-9304

Pros:

- Kids love them. Moms adore them. (Do dads resent them?)
- Facilitates laziness and pretending you're doing a chore.
- Can withstand weird judo chops. (Probably the reason dads are threatened by them)

Cons:

- Dads hate them, I guess.

Verdict:

Purchase before your significant other does.