Three Easy Payments

Billy Mays

2009-06-28T13:45:00.008-04:00

According to numerous new outlets and his son's Twitter account, Billy Mays has died. This sucks.

Billy Mays made me want products I never even knew I needed. And not in a sleazy, "you're not cool if you don't have it" way. In a way that celebrated invention, ingenuity and hilariously extreme laziness (See: pants glue).

I have a theory. The nutritional value of ice cream is misleading because there's no metric for joy. This theory applies to the products sold by Billy Mays.

Earlier this year I bought a Steam Buddy, in large part because Billy Mays' name was on it. Yeah, maybe I could just iron my clothes, or go the dry cleaner as often as I should, or even buy a professional steamer and keep it in a closet. But it delights me that I have a contraption that does -- cheaply and well -- what I need it to do.

Last month a friend of mine got married, and instead of giving her hand towels or champagne flutes, I bought her a set of my most favorite As Seen on TV products. She loves them, and has the same look on her face each time she tells me she used one. It's the look we all get when we use an item Billy Mays sold -- a smug, twinkly smile that says you found a faster, better, more clever way to do something, and it was only $19.99.

In the end, Billy Mays wasn't great because he was a great salesman. He was great because either through his products, his personality, or his mere existence, he made people feel like this:

Photo courtesy of LaurenFarmer, under CC licensing. Taken by Tiffany Arment

Billy Mays has died.

2009-06-28T13:39:00.002-04:00

From the LA Times

Tampa police say Billy Mays, the television pitchman known for his boisterous hawking of products such as Orange Glo and OxiClean, has died. He was 50.

More later.

Say goodbye to waterbras -- and hello to hair stuffing!

2009-06-07T16:19:00.010-04:00

Are you humiliated by your natural flatness? Would you consider plastic enhancements to increase your sex appeal? Is your child's appearance just not "flirty" enough? Are you from Baltimore?

Then, my friends, Bump Its (Bum Pits?) are the answer for you.

Bum pits are basically the falsie of the hair world. You hide them in your ratty nest of a mane and voila! You no longer have to shout at your hair. Like this poor lady.

As you may have noticed, at about 37 seconds into the infomercial they call this child, modeling the Bum Pit, "flirty."

... Since we're friends here, I can openly admit that as a child I was a princessaholic. Every Halloween, every birthday party, and heck, usually every other day, I was rocking a princess costume. Thanks to this life experience and expertise, I can assure you that while I wanted very desperately to appear regal, glamorous and elegant -- if someone called me "flirty," or suggested I stuff something into my princess costume (and please note that a tiara is a crucial part of a princess costume) that would make it appear more "flirty," I would have alerted the authorities.

Stats: $19.99 + S&H for two large, two mini bang, and one "hollywood" Bum Pits.
Bum Pits volumizing inserts stay firmly in your hair. No matter what style you are bumpin'!

Pros: Can give you that extra "umph" when teasing just isn't enough. No, seriously, the first step to using Bum Pits is to tease your hair. Imagine if first step to use the slap chop was to chop your food with a normal knife.

Cons: People may mistake you for that alien from Mars Attacks.

Verdict: No thanks, hon.

Best informercial URL ever.

2009-06-07T16:03:00.004-04:00

www.NothingFishy.com

The graphic's not too shabby, either.

That is all.

Sisterhood of the travelling Kymaro Curve Control Jeans

2009-01-18T18:40:00.005-05:00

This is another product that aggravatingly does not have an embeddable commercial. Probably because it would blow too many people's faces off with it's amazingness. You must stop you are doing and watch the commercial for the Kymaro Curve Control Jeans now. The long version.

You're welcome.

Real talk: We all own Spanx, or some knockoff, right? Well, here's your chance to cut out the middlegirdle, and go for the gold: pants that ARE a girdle. Think of it as denim sausage casing. Heinously ugly, poorly hemmed, denim sausage casing.

An actual line from the commercial: "It's not your fault you can't fit into those tight, restricting jeans. It's the jean's fault!"

No. It's is objectively your fault. You either ate/reclined yourself to another size and your old pants don't fit -- or you just flat-out purposefully purchased jeans that don't fit! IT IS YOUR FAULT.

Also suspicious -- this lady is clearly in a resale/thrift store, but she's complaining about the price of designer jeans. See how each item is completely different than the one next to it? How the tags are huge and not uniform in placement? Thrift store. Two hundred to 300 dollar jeans have never crossed the threshold of that place.

As someone who worked in retail for a several years, I can assure you that these ladies do not suffer from some debilitating condition that is unsolvable by anything but television jeans, and therefore do not deserve your pity. They need jeans with more stretch, a bigger size and a rise that's so high it covers their belly buttons. Go to the Levi's store. Do not buy your pants from your television.

Stats: $39.95 + S&H for one pair
Comes with a free bottom shaper.
Can help ladies out who are so mad that they make this face at their current jeans:

Pros: Supposedly can cure what I've christened "Flat Butt Syndrome."

Cons: How are you going to turn heads at the bar without your trusty "rear end cleavage?"

Verdict: Do not buy. I repeat: Do not buy your pants from your television.

Top 10 grossest things about the Ped Egg™

2009-01-18T18:18:00.006-05:00

I had to pare it down to 10 from 857348573405734503480594705730.

10. The line "Don't use potato peeler tools!"

9. The implication someone has been using potato peeler tools on their dried out foot skin.

8. This:

7. The sheer volume of shavings this lady has produced.

6. Pouring foot scrapings anywhere but in a waste receptacle.

5. Wildly spraying foot scrapings around someone's home or studio.

4. The group shaving session.

3. The foot close-up of the group shaving session.

2. Any image that accompanies the word "before."

1. I own a Ped Egg, and my significant other, Rusty, has challenged me to a scrape-off.*

Stats: $10 + S&H for two Ped Eggs™.
Gently removes callouses and dead skin to give your feet the incredible baby soft look and feel that everybody loves.
Bonus feature: you can scrape callouses off of balloons.

Pros: You can scrape off your shameful, shameful protective foot skin in private.

Cons: Doesn't do anything a Graty can't do.

Verdict: Buy.

* I did not accept.

Slap Chop. Vince redux.

2009-01-04T10:31:00.006-05:00

The return of Vince, formerly of ShamWow, has been triumphant. This is probably the somethingest infomercial I've ever seen. I've yet to figure out what that something is, so instead of yabbering about it, I'm just going to ask you to watch it.

Now that you've watched this masterpiece, I want you to keep in mind someone wrote these lines down for Vince to read:

You're going to be in a great mood all day because you're going to be slapping your troubles away.

Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life.

This is making you cry, this is making me cry. Life's hard enough as it is, you don't want to cry any more.

We're going to make America skinny again, one slap at a time.

Tacos. Frettucine. Linguine. Martini. Bikini.

Stats: Only $19.95 + S&H
You can mince onion with the skin on.
www.slapchop.com

Pros: Cleans with the ease of a Monarch in spring.

Cons: Vince is selling it.

Verdict: Buy for the free Graty.

Loud 'N Clear: Nobody likes you.

2009-01-03T22:19:00.008-05:00

You know how when you see someone with a cellphone earpiece on all day as they go about their banal activities you think to yourself "Wow -- that person is important and efficient"?

No? You don't think that? You think they are no-goodniks?

See, what's interesting here is that the company that made the commercial for the Loud 'N Clear knows that, but the manufacturer clearly does not. Despite the manufacturer's claim that the Loud 'N Clear turns ordinary hearing into extraordinary hearing, please note the woman who shows up throughout the spot with the "I'm on to you, sisterfriend" look on her face.

Did you catch her? Here she is:

And again:
She gives me the willies.

Stats: Only $14.99
The Loud 'N Clear listening device is cleverly designed to look like an expensive cell phone ear piece.
www.getloudandclear.com

Pros: You can hear the pretty lady across the room at a party say "Isn't he cute? He just moved into the building."

Cons: You see the pretty lady's face turn to this expression when she notices your creepy earpiece.

Verdict: Do not buy. Unless you have neighbors like the ones in Lifetime, Wow!'s most recent review of The House Next Door. If so, buy this asap, and alienate the heck out of your hellneighbors.

Might Mend It: The pants glue of champions

2009-01-03T10:47:00.000-05:00

Might Mend It delights me to no end. Here's why:

1. It's pants glue.
2. You can use it to bedazzle your hat with your, or someone else's, dumb name.
3. Billy Mays sells it.
4. ITS FREAKING PANTS GLUE.

I submit for the approval of the three easy payments society: Mighty Mend It

Stats: Only $19.99
It is not a glue, but a flexible bonding agent.
https://www.mightymendit.com/

Pros: Finally scientists have developed a groundbreaking serum that can contain your bulbous caboose, even when your pants can't.

Cons: Know who else uses Mighty Mend It? Yeah. Her.

Verdict: Buy. HOW COULD YOU EVEN PRETEND TO RESIST PANTS GLUE?

Cash4Gold -- endorsed by moms everywhere.

2008-12-20T17:06:00.000-05:00

Cash4Gold's commercials are a little out of the usual purview of Three Easy Payments. You see, instead of tricking you into making three easy payments, they want to make one presumably complex, and likely nonexistent payment to you.

The gist of the scam is that you send them your old crappy gold jewelery (I'm looking at you, holiday brooch), they melt it down, and mail you a check for the value of the gold. How do I know it's a scam, you say?

This is how: the Cash4Gold guy was so hard up for people to endorse it, he had to use HIS OWN MOTHER in the commercial.

Exhibit A - Cash4Gold guy

Exhibit B - A woman who is clearly his mom. Or the Cash4Gold guy in an old lady suit.

Look at the schnoz. Look at the lips. Look at the eyes and the expression and the X chromosome. Look at how badly they both want you to use Cash4Gold.

Stats: Free ninety nine. Supposedly you even get money back.
They accept the gold, platinum, and silver jewelry.
www.Cash4Gold.com

Pros: Way to get rid of hellbrooch.

Cons: Scam.

Verdict: Buy! Er... send! But only if you won't be mad if all you get in return is a heap of shame for being taken by a snakeoil salesman and his mom.

Eco Balls -- the laundry detergent of the future?

2008-12-12T18:50:00.000-05:00

Eco Balls apparently wash your clothes. There's a nutzy commercial that unfortunately isn't available to embed here -- check it out here: www.EcoWasherBalls.com

Here's a screenshot of the product.

Is it just me, or do these look exactly like Dippin' Dots, Ice Cream of the Future™?

Stats: $19.95 plus S&H
Residue-free! (what does this even mean?)
www.EcoWasherBalls.com

Pros: Looks like Ice Cream of the Future™.

Cons: I found these in the frequently asked questions section of the Eco Balls Web site. These are questions you would frequently ask if you owned Eco Balls.

Q. Why aren’t my Ecoballs™ working?

Q. My Ecoballs™ have started to smell strange and so are my clothes and washing machine.

Q. Can I use the grey water to water my garden?*

* No where else on the site or the commercial does anyone or anything mention "grey water."

Verdict: Buy! Even the mere possibility of being able to use the grey water to water my garden makes this a must-have.

A PIZZA FLIPPER?!?!?!?!?!?

2008-12-11T20:04:00.000-05:00

The NuWave Infrared Oven cooks stuff super fast blah blah three ways blah 85% blah. What I want to direct your attention to is the outrageous free gift they're trying to pawn off on you. Watch the infomercial and see if you can spot it.

Did you catch it? That's right, folks. A pizza flipper.

WHAT?!?!?! I cannot interrobang this enough.

1. Why in the name of Sam Hill would anyone ever need to flip a pizza?
2. How DARE they try to pass off a pizza flipper as gift worth $15. How dare they.

This is like giving a taco mallet away with each purchase of an Aquaglobe.

Stats: Three payments of $39.99 plus S&H
Comes with a motherloving pizza flipper.
https://www.nuwaveoven.com/

Pros: You can tell me what it's like to own the most confabulating kitchen device in human history.

Cons: Payments are not specified as "easy" -- beware presumably difficult bartering system.

Verdict: Dupe a colleague or associate into buying one so you can confuse them by asking to borrow their pizza flipper.

Vince with ShamWow creeps me out.

2008-12-11T17:56:00.000-05:00

Really. Wouldn't he be better suited selling tapes of breast-enhancing exercises or psychic readings? Why does he have to be the face (ugh -- and the voice) of these weird towels I kind of want?

Stats: $14.99 for 4 large and 4 mini ShamWows
Holds up to 20 times its weight in liquid
https://www.shamwow.com/

Also -- made in Germany. A point that Vince highlights in the spot, and that YouTube commenters Raindogs111 and prothonotar helpfully analyze for us.

Raindogs111 (3 months ago)

You know what else was made in Germany?
Hitler.

prothonotar (3 months ago)

Actually Hitler was made in Austria.

Pros: The absorbency is pretty mesmerizing.

Cons: Vince is lying to you. a) No family unit in the history of time has ever spent $20/month on paper towels. If I am somehow wrong, and your family is, you should just invest in a wetvac. b) Listen closely at 1:25 into the infomercial. Vince is supposedly saying "this lasts ten years," in reference to the ShamWow -- but it's not actually Vince. He is holding a ShamWow in front of his mouth, and the his voice has been DUBBED! What secrets are hidden behind that sopping ShamWow's facade?

Verdict: Do not buy.

"So the other day, I was trying to get a bunch of cola out of my pie pan -- and my normal towel just wasn't cutting it, you know?" - No one, ever.

Aquaglobes

2008-12-11T17:37:00.000-05:00

The best part of this whole thing is how miserable and frustrated the woman looks when she just can't manage to water her darn plants properly. The complex and constant care that these florae demand are why ugly houseplants are considered the divas of the plant world.

Stats: Set of four for $14.95
Hand-blown
https://www.buyaquaglobes.com/

Pros: Hilarious, cheap.

Cons: Ugly as sin, look like drug paraphernalia, watering plants is not actually that difficult, and it probably wouldn't work correctly.

Verdict: Do not buy. They'd probably accidentally ship it to your parents house and get you busted anyways.

Snuggie v. Slanket: The eternal struggle

2008-12-11T16:51:00.001-05:00

Snuggie v. Slanket: What to wear when a poncho is too formal?

Summary:

Both the Snuggie and Slanket are blankets with sleeves in them. They both are "one size fits all" and are designed for the lazy and cold among us.

The similarities end there.

Contenders:

In this corner, we have The Snuggie. Ringing in at only $14.95, this bad boy also comes with a automatic pop-up reading light -- for when you want to read, but you can't bring yourself to manually adjust a light.

The Snuggie hits below the belt when the infomercial cold-heartedly reminds us, "blankets are ok... But they can slip or slide! And when you need to reach for something, your hands are trapped inside."

Strengths: Cheap, comes with a light, makes you look most monk-y.
Weaknesses: May have crappy fabric, lame name, not famous -- yet.

And in this corner, we have The Slanket. Despite demanding a hefty price of $44.95, they must be doing something right -- all colors of Slankets are currently sold out at TheSlanket.com. Here's a rundown on the Slanket from Forbes:

Strengths: Outstanding product name.
Weaknesses: Three times more expensive than the Snuggie, sold out, would force you to read in darkness.

Also -- I'd like to note that the founder seems to have only come up with the idea to cut a hole in a blanket for ease of channel changing. His mom made the prototype, someone else came up with the name, and his brother financed the venture. At worst, this man is a leech, and at best he is a compulsive channel changer -- and for that, I cannot forgive him.

Verdict: LONG LIVE THE SNUGGIE.

Make a little mess, don't know what to do, put it on your foot, now -- mop shoe!

2008-12-11T16:32:00.001-05:00

For the record, I actually own mop shoes. Not these fancy guys with velcro and mind-blowing durability, but a-size-too-small $8 Linens n' Things mop slippers.

I worked out a deal with my boyfriend where he does the dishes, and I'll wear my mop shoes. By "deal" I mean I announced it, and ignored him when he screamed "WEARING THOSE MOP SHOES DOES NOT CONSTITUTE COMPLETING A CHORE."

Stats:

$29.95 plus S&H for two mop shoes.
3-6 weeks for delivery
To order, call 1-800-490-9304

Pros:

- Kids love them. Moms adore them. (Do dads resent them?)
- Facilitates laziness and pretending you're doing a chore.
- Can withstand weird judo chops. (Probably the reason dads are threatened by them)

Cons:

- Dads hate them, I guess.

Verdict:

Purchase before your significant other does.